That's Why They Call It Work

If it were easy, we’d all get up and go to “easy” every morning. It would be nice to spend our days typing sexy stories, pausing occasionally to gaze past our Kate Spade curtains and onto the tree-lined, sun-dappled boulevard below. Unfortunately, some of us require housing, utilities, and food. And no matter how sexy our lives may be, few would pay $5,000.00 a month to hear about it (although they might if they could participate in it).

The majority of us, therefore, have to find work that pays. And people only get paid to do what others won’t. This is why we have garbagemen, morticians, meat-renderers, and attorneys. Many, however, believe that every day they toil for The Man is another day robbed from The Dream. But unless you are one of the fortunate few who dreams of doing what others despise, chances are you will never find your Dream Job. And even if you do attain that elusive Dream Job, you will still have to wake up at a certain time, and be forced to do something that you do not want to do. Whether it involves catching a bus, or guest starring on Leno, it still ends up work. A few notable examples:

Bono

Dream Job: Rock Star

Work: Zooropa and beyond.

Stephen King

Dream Job: Best Selling Author

Work: Insomnia and beyond.

Molly Ringwald

Dream Job: Movie Star

Work: Lifetime TV (nothing lies beyond Lifetime TV).

Perhaps we envy Bono, Mr. King and Ms. Ringwald, because they were able to explore and exploit the rock star/author/actress within, while most of us never get past the waiter/barback/busboy without.

That may be why we envy Paris Hilton and her independently wealthy life. Like Paris, we would love to discover what we really want to do, as opposed to what we have to do to get by. And it seems that Ms. Hilton has indeed found her calling in reality television and pornography. For some of us then, independent wealth, rather than work, can be the goal. However, achieving said wealth, will also require some work. For example:

If you are a woman, marry up. It certainly helps to be pretty, however, it is not always necessary. You can be short, fat, and freckled, as long as you are attractive; that is, you arouse interest or pleasure in the opposite sex. To that end, spend 16 hours a day researching how to interest and pleasure a man into husbandry, and the remaining 8 getting your beauty sleep. Live and die by The Rules. Bake a moist delicious cake. Appear educated, but not smart. Wear a girdle. Giggle behind a fan.

Most importantly, adapt your standards to the situation at hand. You are not looking for a lover but a provider. Your future husband need not be tall and good-looking. You don’t have to be beautiful, so neither does he. Strive only to be slightly better looking than he is, so that he knows he could never do any better. It might be smartest to go for the ugliest man possible, since this provides the best assurance that he will never leave you for someone prettier, thinner, and younger than yourself.

Additionally, your husband does not have to be Hilton-rich. He just has to make more than you, which should not be too difficult since you don’t have a job. He also has to make enough money to put a roof over your head, food in your mouth, and clothes on your back.

The issue of children can be tricky. You might want to avoid having children, since this would require sharing the roof over your head, the food in your mouth and the clothes on your back. However, once you divorce, children come in handy as you can share in their child support.

Divorce is inevitable, as your husband will ultimately expect that you love, honor and care for him until death do you part. Prepare yourself by investing in an attorney who can draft an airtight prenup so that post-divorce, your husband will be required to support you in the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed. At least until you remarry.

Remarry well and divorce often. Marriage is like a job: The more experience you have, the more you should get paid. Demand significant raises, bonuses and benefits with each new marriage. By your seventh marriage, you should be making seven figures. At some point, you’ll have enough capital to start a business if you want to try working. Open a hair salon and buy yourself a white corvette.

Unfortunately, men rarely have the option of marrying up. Single women who make enough money to support two people often choose to spend their extra cash on shoes rather than men. They have been known to share the wealth with others, but it’s usually a family member or a child they choose to raise alone. Thus, the pool of sugar mamas who work for a living is staggeringly small. Given the laws of supply and demand, the least attractive and least wealthy of these women will still require a man to be devastatingly handsome, perpetually young, and fiercely loyal, before he can even get an interview. Much less half her paycheck. And even if one were devastatingly handsome, young and loyal, maintaining the status quo would require an insane amount of work, which is exactly what you’re trying to avoid. Going gay is not an option, as the standards for a kept gay man are twice as high as those of his straight counterpart.

For the man of leisure, finding a married woman who is living off her husband’s wealth (see above) is probably the best solution. Your primary responsibility is instant availability. Physically, you will have to be fit, handsome, and tall. If you are not, invest in a gym, plastic surgeon, and elevator shoes. Luckily, many women crave emotional rather than physical stimulation. Therefore, cultivate your personality. You never know when an endearing antidote will prevail over a premature tonsure. Listen like Oprah and subscribe to Cosmo. Appreciate the finer points of the zaftig form. Memorialize said form in a poem or song. Develop a charming yet self-deprecating sense of humor. Get your teeth capped. Win and influence others. Convince them you are loveable and capable. Expand existing relationships.

Sell yourself, not the product.

At some point, you may find that the burden of keeping your married lady happy outweighs any financial rewards you may recoup. Despair not. Your years of servicing the desperate housewife have not been in vain. Upon opening the classifieds, you will instantly realize you have the perfect skill set to make a killing in used car sales or commercial real estate brokerage.