Two Minority Chicks and Some White Girl

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Moratorium on Christmas


Due to treacherous traffic on America’s expressways, colossal delays at the Nation’s airports, and unruly mobs threatening the health and safety of our most prominent shopping malls, the Department Of Homeland Security (hereinafter, the “DOHS”), has declared a moratorium on Christmas for the month of December, pursuant to Executive Order Number 102-9/PLS2, Clause 8432868-FM3 (hereinafter, the “ANTI-CLAUSE”).

Specifically, the ANTI-CLAUSE provides in relevant part:
During the month of December of any calendar year, no man, woman or child within the borders of these United States shall be allowed to celebrate Christmas. The term “Celebrating Christmas” includes but is not limited to:

1. Buying gifts.

2. Cooking a turkey dinner.

3. Traveling for non-business related purposes.

The ANTI-CLAUSE provides exemptions for the most exceptional individuals in the most extraordinary circumstances. That is, the ANTI-CLAUSE excludes those for whom Christmas was expressly meant. To that end, those who wish to be exempt from the ANTI-CLAUSE must file an application with the DOHS no later than January 1st of each calendar year. All applicants shall be required, among other things, to submit proper Proof of Lineage, as defined below, in order to obtain exemption from the ANTI-CLAUSE. Proof of Lineage shall require original certification of one’s direct descent from pilgrims on the Mayflower. Moreover, the applicant’s current surname must have been used in at least one (1) Nathaniel Hawthorne novel or, in the alternative, in at least two (2) of his short stories.

Applicants shall be subject to rigorous physical examination, and shall conform to the following standards:


For Females:

1. Height: Exactly Five Feet and Seven Inches (5’7”).

2. Weight: Exactly One Hundred Thirteen (113) pounds.

3. Age: Twenty-one to Twenty Five (21 – 25) years.

4. Race: Caucasian.

5. Hair color: Natural blonde. Modestly cut.

6. Eye color: Blue.

7. Number of children: Exactly two (2).

8. Gender of children: One (1) male, age eight (8); and one (1) female, age six (6).

9. Religion: Wealthyhousefrau. Must hold self out as God Fearing Christian (hereinafter, "GFC").

For Males:

1. Income: In excess of One Million and 00/100 Dollars ($1,000,000.00) per annum. Net.

2. Height: Exactly Six Feet and Two Inches (6’2”).

3. Weight: Exactly One Hundred Eighty Five (185) pounds.

4. Age: Thirty to Forty (30 – 40).

5. Race: Caucasian.

6. Hair color: Natural blonde. Cut short, but in abundant quantities.

7. Eye color: Blue.

8. Number of children: Exactly two (2).

9. Gender of children: One (1) male, age eight (8); and one (1) female, age six (6).

10. Religion: Satanic Capitalist. Must hold self out as GFC.

Persons who do not meet each of the above-enumerated requirements are strongly discouraged from applying. Applicants who do not meet the above-enumerated criterion shall forfeit their $1,000.00 application fee, and be subject to at least twelve (12) year’s incarceration at their local State Penitentiary.

Those who have been granted exemption from the ANTI-CLAUSE (hereinafter, the “CHRISTMAS WORTHY”) shall be notified via overnight mail no later than April 1 of each calendar year. During the month of December, the CHRISTMAS WORTHY shall be required to perform the following:

1. Spend at least six (6) month's salary, gross, on gifts for each of the following:

a. Nuclear family

b. Extended family

c. Employers

d. Employees

e. Friends

f. Acquaintances

g. Pets

h. Pets belonging to those enumerated in sub (a) through (f)

i. Children belonging to those enumerated in sub (b) through (f)

2. Cook and eat a seven (7) course turkey dinner with nuclear family of four (4).

3. Travel in excess of two-thousand (2,000) miles to eat second seven (7) course turkey dinner with extended family.

4. Agree to appear as the perfect traditional American family, in the Christmas issues of each of the following publications and television shows. Gratis:

a. Strom Thurmond’s Very White Christmas

b. The Norman Rockwell Retrospective

c. The Martha Stewart Retrospective

d. Good Housekeeping

e. House and Garden (Magazine and TV show)

f. Oprah (Magazine and TV show)

g. The View

h. Live with Regis and Kelly

i. The Today Show

j. The Tonight Show

k. Anything on TLC

l. Anything on HGTV

m. Anything on Food Network

n. Anything on Lifetime

Please note that those who are not CHRISTMAS WORTHY (hereinafter, the “UNWORTHY”), shall only be allowed to celebrate Christmas during the months from January through November.

Most importantly, the UNWORTHY shall be required to do the following during the month of December:

1. Spend at least six (6) hours speaking their mother and actually doing what she says.

2. Cook and share a seven (7) course turkey dinner with a homeless shelter.

3. Travel to the nearest humane society and adopt a pet.

4. Agree to never falsely hold themselves out as a member of the perfect traditional American family, or as a member of the CHRISTMAS WORTHY.


Only with the cooperation of the American people, can the DOHS reasonably and impartially ensure the safety of this great Nation.


Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

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