Love

Chrissy and Missy sit in a cafe, drinking tea out of tiny cups.

CHRISSY: God I can’t stand her.

MISSY: She makes me want to puke.

Sissy breezes in and Missy and Chrissy jump up and down excitedly. There are hugs and kisses all around as the three sit down.

CHRISSY: How are you?

MISSY: You look fabulous!

SISSY: I am fabulous!

CHRISSY & MISSY (in unison): You are fabulous!

SISSY: It’s because I have a secret.

CHRISSY: Dew tell!

SISSY: I quit. My job.

MISSY: No!

SISSY: Yes! I’m lying in bed last night, and I’ve got twelve episodes of “Sex” on the Tivos—

MISSY: Omigod I love “Sex!”

CHRISSY: Omigod I love “Sex” too!

SISSY: So I’ve got twelve episodes of “Sex” to get through, and came to me just then. I cannot. Go. To work.

MISSY: But you love your job!

SISSY: It’s not my passion. Most people have no clue what they want to do, and that’s why they settle for corporate America. But me, I know exactly what I want to do, I just have to narrow the list.

CHRISSY: What a fabulous problem to have!

MISSY: You really are so good at so many things.

SISSY: When I was young, I was so talented. I was a fluent flautist at five.

MISSY: Five?

SISSY: Yes! Five! I was always creative. I could paint, I could write, I could sing, I was brilliant. My parents were even thinking of sending me to Gifted Preschool, but I said no, because I wanted to be marketable.

MISSY: At five.

SISSY: Five.

(Beat)

CHRISSY: So, what are you going to do?

SISSY: I’m going to take a year to figure it out.

CHRISSY: But what about, you know, (whispers) bills?

(Sissy looks at Chrissy as if she’s said a dirty word)

SISSY: Well. You know I’m not one of those girls who relies on some man.

MISSY: Oh gawd I hate those girls!

CHRISSY: I hate those girls too!

SISSY: Like on Valentines Day? I wasn’t seeing some stupid man you know? But I went out and bought me six dozen long stemmed red roses anyway because I deserve it!

MISSY: You do deserve it!

SISSY: I earned it!

CHRISSY: You totally earned it!

SISSY: I didn’t sit around on some Hallmark Holiday feeling sorry for myself! Just because I didn’t have a date, I mean who does that, you know?

MISSY: So pathetic.

CHRISSY: You’re too good for that!

SISSY: Then you know, I had this date, okay? And I’m sitting there in my new Prada, waiting for him at Sushi Samba Rio, okay? And I’m sitting there for like four hours and finally I’m like you know what? I don’t need this, okay? I’m too good for this, okay? I’m not some insecure little 21-year-old brat with abandonment issues! For Chrissakes! I make seven figures! So I bust out my RAZR and I call Bitzey—

MISSY: Omigod I love Bitzey!

CHRISSY: Omigod I love Bitzey too!

SISSY: So I call Bitzey, and it turns out Izzie’s playing at the Riv.

MISSY: Ugh, is she still seeing Izzie?

CHRISSY: I hate Izzie!

MISSY: All he does is sponge off Bitz, and she lets him. I mean, I love her to death, but really, what kind of woman dates a drummer?

CHRISSY: Really!

SISSY: So I head over to the Riv, and can I tell you? I had the most fabulous time ev-ah. Bitz and I sat up in the box, literally surrounded by Dom, and got absolutely smashed. I mean I blacked out.

CHRISSY: Hahahahaha!

MISSY: Awesome!

SISSY: And I remember waking up in the lawn outside Union Station—

(Chrissy and Missy overlapping, cackling uncontrollably)

CHRISSY: You did not—!

MISSY: No effing way—!

SISSY: And the next thing I know, sprinklers are going off all around me.

(Chrissy and Missy laugh loudly)

SISSY: And I decide it would be a good idea to, you know, walk home. So I get up, and I’m still completely wasted, and I walk up Michigan and over to Lake Shore—

MISSY: Drive???

SISSY: Yes, so I merge onto the Drive—

(Chrissy and Missy cackle even louder)

SISSY: And somehow I make it home. And I make myself some tea. And I draw myself a lovely Jacuzzi bubble bath. And then it hit me. I am so lucky. I am so truly blessed.

MISSY: You are—

CHRISSY: So blessed.

SISSY: I have everything. A great house, great friends, but most importantly, I have choices. I could have gone home like some stupid girl and cried to my livejournal about being stood up, but instead, I took the initiative to go out and have a kick-ass time. You don’t get anywhere in this world sitting around, you know? You’ve got to make things happen!

MISSY: Absolutely!

CHRISSY: So true.

SISSY: Which is exactly why I quit my job.

(Beat)

CHRISSY: So…what are you gonna do about, you know, (whispers) bills?

SISSY: (looking at CHRISSY: as if she’s said a dirty word): The Universe will provide.

(Beat)

MISSY: Absolutely!

CHRISSY: So true!

(Beat)

SISSY: So…Guess where I’m going now?

MISSY: Where?

SISSY: Guess!

CHRISSY: Mani-pedi?

MISSY: Laser-wax?

(Beat)

SISSY (excitedly): Starbucks!

MISSY: Omigod I love—!

SISSY: For a job application.

(Stunned beat)

SISSY: I’ve decided to work there part-time. You know, for the insurance?

MISSY: Uh.

CHRISSY: Sure.

SISSY: That way, I can have tons of time to think about what I’d be great at.

(Beat)

MISSY: Great.

CHRISSY: Um. Yes. (looking at Missy) Great?

MISSY (decisively): Great!

CHRISSY: Yes! Great! So great!

SISSY (getting up to hug the girls goodbye): Anyway, thank you so much for listening to me. I really love you guys, I mean I really do!

MISSY: Omigod!

CHRISSY: We love you too!

SISSY: I don’t know what I’d do without you.

MISSY: So we’ll see you soon?

SISSY: Yes! Def! Soon!

(Sissy exits. Missy and Chrissy watch her go, then sit back down, pausing for a beat.)

MISSY: God I hate her.

CHRISSY: She makes me want to puke.