Why They Don't Like Us

Mia and Kirsten, two Asian girls, sit in a bar drinking Diet Cokes from cans.

K: Opie hasn’t called yet.

M: He’ll call.

K: I don’t care.

M: He’ll call.

K: I don’t care. I’m sick of running after guys that don’t want me. They didn’t want me in high school and they don’t want me now.

M: You went to prep school.

K: So?

M: So what kinda prep school guy wants girls like us?

K: Whaddaya mean, us?

M: You know…us. You’re still married to the idea of some prototypical white knight on a white horse.

K: What prototypical? What prototype?

M: Prototypical of a guy named Opie.

K: It’s a nickname!

M: All your boyfriends have nicknames: Opie, Dover, Deuce…And what the hell’s a Deuce? His name’s Henry.

K: He’s a Second.

M: A what?

K: Henry Morgan Littlefield the Second. Get it? Deuce? Second?

M: (Beat) Oh good Lord.

K: So what? Why shouldn’t I date a Second?

M: Because Seconds like that are not attracted to women like us. At least not for the long term. And certainly not in public.

K: That’s stupid.

M: Stupid but true. Give up the Deuces of the world and find yourself a nice Korean engineer.

K: Why am I gonna do that? Why am I gonna settle for someone I’m not attracted to?

M: Because the men you’re attracted to don’t want you.

K: That’s bullshit.

M: Bullshit but true.

K: Even if I wanted a Korean engineer, who’s to say he’d want me?

M: You’re joking, right?

K: Dead serious! Anytime I meet an Asian guy, the first thing he asks is “Why are you so big?”

M: You’re not big!

K: To them I am! And they get to be as big as a house, as big as they like!

M: Well that’s true of white guys too, don’t you watch “King of Queens?”

K: What is that? Why can’t you see frumpy women with smokin’ hot men for a change?

M: Because it’s our job as women to stay beautiful and thin, so that our husbands pay us lots of money to stay home and not work.

K: What a crock.

M: Crock but true!

K: Fuck men! Fuck them all!

M: Do you still want to get married?

K: I do.

M: Why?

K: Because.

Beat

M: Because everyone is doing it?

K: No!

M: Because you want to have babies and be a stooped-over, self-sacrificing oh-mah for the rest of your life?

K: Hell no.

M: Then what?

K: It’s just…I don’t want to die alone.

M: Worry about that when you’re dead. Maybe have a torrid affair with your doctor so he can cover your hospital bills. Better yet, you don’t even have to worry about bills since you won’t have kids. You can die on credit!

K: That’s so wrong.

M: Marriage is so wrong. It’s a life of sacrifice to your husband and kids who don’t appreciate you. If that’s not want you want, why the brain damage over some frat boy?

K: I just hate it. I meet all these guys and they seem to like me, but they can’t commit. So we break up, and two months later he’s married to some pharm rep named Mindy. And your Korean engineers are no different. They just marry the Korean equivalent of Mindy the pharm rep -- You know, 80 pounds soaking wet—

M: Speaks no Eng-reesh—

K&M (in unison): Giggles behind a fan.

As K&M continue, a Handsome White Guy and a Handsome Asian Guy walk up.

K: I can’t stand it!

M: You can’t win!

K: I wish I were dead!

M: I wish they were dead!

HWG: Hello, Ladies.

HAG: May we ask you a question?

K&M (furious and in unison): WHAT?!?!?

HWG and HAG slowly back away as if from rabid, feral creatures. K&M watch them go, then take long swigs from their Diet Cokes.

M: It’s so unfair.

K: Why don’t they like us?