An Open Letter to the Girls Gone Wild

Dear Ladies,

Enclosed please find an aerial map detailing the names, addresses and locations of the various drinking establishments, waiting with bated breath, for you to grace them with your presence. Appropriate dress is required of course; that is, long jeans, even in 103 degree weather, tank-tops from your local maternity store which emphasize your unsupported breasts while elegantly concealing the bulkiest of beer-bellies, and your choice of six inch stilettos or rhinestone flip flops, in magenta or chartreuse. Suggested, but not required, is a matching purse of titanic proportions, to house your cherry-pink Razr, Hello Kitty Camcorder, Camel Twista Lime Cigarettes, Colibri Beam Sensor Satin Goldlighter, candy-flavored, purple ribbed condoms (for your pleasure!), post-shack-up change of clothing for the inevitable pre-dawn walk of shame, and miniature toy Pomeranian.

The fine amenities at these establishments include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. 400 pound security personnel to ensure that minorities and non-college students are absolutely restricted from the Premises.

2. Slip-proof barstools and tables for your dancing pleasure.

3. Stripper poles.

4. Chandeliers to hang unwanted brassieres (in case you mistakenly leave the house wearing one).

5. Ten-cent wings and buckets o’ beer.

6. Sawdust in the unisex restroom.

7. Professional DJ with tasteful selections from B96 to Boots In A Dryer.

To guarantee a good time is had by all, please follow these unwritten rules of the house before entering the dance floor:

1. Your blood-alcohol percentage must be a whole number. For your testing convenience, Breathalyzers are provided next to the napkin holders.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, enter the dance floor without at least twelve of your girl friends.

3. Do not enter the dance floor without your purse, an overflowing, bright-red, tropical drink, and a lit a cigarette.

4. Stand in a circle spanning 100 feet in diameter, directly in the middle of the dance floor. Place all your purses in the center of the circle. This will ensure that no one will steal your belongings or take up your personal dance space. Dissuade all other women from entering the dance floor by spilling your drink on them, or burning them with your cigarette. Aim for the face.

5. Make sure that all bar patrons are staring at you at all times. If their attention begins to wane, squeal “woo woo!” in time with the music. If that does not work, blow a police whistle. If that does not work, spin some glow sticks. If that does not work, do a backbend. If that does not work, take your shirt off. If that does not work, do a backbend with your shirt off. If that does not work, kiss one of your girlfriends. If that does not work, kiss twelve of your girlfriends. If that does not work, have an orgy on the dance floor. If that does not work, have an orgy at home. Record said orgy with your Hello Kitty Camcorder. Post immediately on YouTube.

In the highly unlikely event that the end of the evening arrives, and you still have your pants on, do not be tempted to go to an unapproved “after-hours” bar. Do not go to “that one goth bar” that everyone talks about, but no one has actually seen. Every rumor you’ve heard about that one goth bar is true. For example, only men have sex on the dance floor – with each other. And should a poor, unsuspecting, Girl Gone Wild accidentally enter the building, she will immediately be sold into white slavery. Therefore, it is far better to just call it a night, go home, and drown your drunken loneliness in a frozen pot pie.