Two Minority Chicks and Some White Girl

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Cut the Chase


"Why doesn't he call?"

"Because he does not like you."

Men work, they sleep, they eat, they exercise, they relax. They do not want to take the time out of their busy schedules, to add yet another thing to do to their list. The only reason that they might add yet another thing to do, is if it were really worth it. Sex, of course, is really worth it. So maybe they will take the time to find a willing partner so they can have sex.

The problem, of course, is that the willing partner is only willing if there are all kinds of ridiculous strings attached. Like a second date. Some men even forgo having sex as often as they would like, because they do not want to make room in their lives for that second date. They are too busy working, sleeping, eating, exercising, and relaxing.

However, some men finally come to the realization that everyone needs love, including their busy selves. So they go out, and they seek a long-term partner. After much dating around, they decide that the only woman for whom they will sacrifice their precious time, is as brilliant as a neurosurgeon, and a dead ringer for Cindy Crawford. And until they find Cindy Crawford the Neurosurgeon, they will not settle for anyone else.

You are not Cindy Crawford the Neurosurgeon. Even though you probably have a much better personality than Ms. Crawford, you are probably shorter, fatter and uglier than the opulent Supermodel. Even though you aced your SATs back in '87, you probably do not have the requisite skills to successfully remove a brain tumor. Of course, just because you are uglier than a Supermodel, and stupider than a neurosurgeon, does not mean you are unattractive or unintelligent. In fact, you are probably far more attractive and intelligent than the short, fat, bald toad holding out for Dr. Crawford.

So why then, do attractive, intelligent women feel personally attacked when a man is uninterested? Why do they pine incessantly and needlessly over men who are clearly looking for Cindy Crawford, MD? Worse yet, why do they whine relentlessly, for hours on end, to anyone that will listen, overanalyzing the myriad of possible reasons as to why this person isn't calling? Finally, why are the victims of said logorrhea too cowardly to state the obvious, thus ending all speculation, while salving any wounded feelings with offers of warm baked goods: "He is not calling because he does not like you. Let's order pie."

Women are just as busy as men. They work, sleep, eat, exercise and relax. They do not have the time to add anything to their list of things to do. Yet unlike their male counterparts, they invest every spare moment wondering why he doesn't call. At first I thought it was the infamous biological clock ticking in. So I would ask, "Why the high drama? Is it because you want to have children and a family?" Certainly the obsession over finding a boyfriend made perfect sense if what these women really felt was a biological imperative to have children. And while a husband would not necessarily be required, he certainly would come in handy.

Moreover, it would explain why these women "absolutely refused to settle" for anything less than Brad Pitt the Billionaire Astrophysicist. Since cute smart genes equal cute smart children, it is understandable why a mother-to-be would only want to find the best looking, most successful, most intelligent man possible to father her progeny. And of course, if any of my friends desperately wanted children, I would be happy to commiserate, lend an ear, and advise as best as I could: "You are so right, all the Billionaire Astrophysicists who resemble Brad Pitt are married or gay. That is so unfair!" And "Of course you should not settle for Morris the nearsighted accountant who sends flowers and poems every week, because you'll only wind up producing nearsighted children who like math."

But each time I asked any of my friends if they wanted a family, the answer was a resounding "Hell no! I don't want kids!" These women were proud to admit that they were too focused on themselves to take care of anyone's children, especially their own. They used birth control religiously, and sarcastically referred to married friends and family as "breeders." So if this fanatical fixation on finding a "quality" boyfriend had nothing to do with children, what could it possibly be?

These women believe that if they date Brad Pitt the Billionaire Astrophysicist, they will magically transform into Cindy Crawford the Neurosurgeon. And as much as these women would like to believe they are beyond Cinderella, and beyond high school insecurities, they still believe the fairy tale, and they still buy into the cliques. At five years old, these women believed that if they had Prince Charming on their arm, they would magically transform into a Fairy Princess and live in a big castle. At sixteen years of age, these same women believed that dating the Varsity Quarterback would magically transform them into the head cheerleader, and get them into all the best parties. Now at thirty-six, these women believe that in dating Brad Pitt, they will magically transform into Cindy Crawford, live in a castle, and go to the best parties. Never mind that these women already have million dollar homes in the Gold Coast. Never mind that these women already get invited to the best parties. Never mind that they are the envy of the evil stepsisters, the catty mean girls, and their co-workers. They are still not Cindy Crawford, and it's all Brad Pitt's fault. If only he would call! If only he would give her a chance, he'd see what a beautiful, intelligent girl she was. Never mind that she doesn't look like a Supermodel yet. All he has to do is give her the magic slipper, his fraternity pin, the 3 carat princess cut flawless diamond, and he can transform her into the woman of her own dreams.

Unfortunately, Brad Pitt doesn't want to take the time to transform anyone. He wants his Supermodel pre-packaged and ready-made. Needless to say, there are very few Brad Pitts around, and the ones that do exist are usually dicks. They are more than happy to tell a woman she looks fat, old, and stupid. And because they look like Brad Pitt and are Astrophysicists making billions of dollars a year, they get away with it, and the women buy it.

As the years go by and the Brad Pitts grow even scarcer, suddenly the women pursuing them grow less picky. They decide that men don't actually have to look like Mr. Pitt, or have a Doctorate in Astrophysics. Rather, these women who would heretofore never settle for anyone less than Dr. Pitt, are now settling for someone who just acts like him; that is, like an arrogant bastard. Said man could be a repulsive, bankrupt, brainless toad, but somehow his horrible behavior magically transforms him into a handsome, wealthy, witty Prince. And these otherwise sophisticated women will sob uncontrollably, baffled by their own behavior, wondering what is it about that toad they find so attractive. They will spend countless hours, raving, ranting and analyzing to death why their toad refuses to call. Why their toad refuses to unleash the Prince within, and transform her into the Fairy Princess she deserves to be!

So these women, growing ever more hysterical, bitter and furious, spend their lives hunting and chasing the repulsive, the bankrupt and the brainless, all the while ignoring Morris the accountant, patiently waiting on the sidelines, magic slipper, fraternity pin, and 3 carat princess cut flawless diamond expectantly in hand.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hate to tell you this, but men think 'why doesnt she call'' all the time. there are plenty of sad, obsessed, esperate guys doing that.

they are probably just not the men you are interested in.

2:26 PM  

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