Broker

Lester and Testo sit in chairs facing each other. Lester is tall, thin and somewhat weak-looking. Testo is a stone cold fox. Both wear headset-telephones, white shirts, ties and their suit coats are hung over the backs of their chairs. They type on imaginary laptops as they mime speaking into their headsets. There is a low partition between them, that they can easily see over when standing up. Two cubes of bright yellow light fall on Lester and Testo.

Lester (talking into headset as he types): How’s Jane? Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. And the twins? No kidding! Uh huh. Uh huh. Oh yeah, Jeffrey’s real excited about it. You know kids and soccer. I think Leslie’s gonna be doing the picnic this year too. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Oh…Oh sure…well … sure, I know how busy you are. Well I’m calling, see…I’m calling because I’m gonna be out your way next week. Yeah. Uh huh. Uh huh. Right, we got a gig going out in the ‘burbs and we’re gonna be right by your office, soooo…well, you know. I thought I’d just stop on by. Well, you know, it’s not that far, and it’s always good to…well, you know…I like to reach out and touch everyone whenever I can, ya know? Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, that’d be great! Yah, really really fantastic! Anytime would be a good time! You know me, Fridays are always wide open. Okay then. Okay, well we’ll see you then. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Okay bye. Okay, bye now.

Testo (standing, looking over partition at Lester): That John Bush?

Lester (standing, putting hands casually in pockets): Uh yeah, matter of fact it is.

Testo: You know Brady and I’ve been chasin’ USB, don’t you?

Lester: Hmm. No, didn’t know that.

Testo: Uh, yeah. We been after them for seven years.

Lester: I’ve known JB for fourteen.

Testo: Oh really?

Lester: Yeah. His wife went to high school with my wife.

Testo: So your wife’s –

Lester: Yeah, but she’s my wife.

(Beat)

Lester: In fact, Leslie and Jane work at the PTA together, and Jeffrey’s on Jimbo’s soccer team.

Testo: So you and JB’re pretty much sleepin’ together.

Lester: ‘Fraid so.

Testo: Well, that’s funny. Cuz he never mentioned you.

Lester: When?

Testo: Brady and I took him over to Cantigny on Thursday. Played two rounds of eighteen back to back and he never mentioned you. Got pretty hammered too. Great guy, dontcha think? Anyway, turns out he’s looking for a quarter mil in the CBD. We got a meeting Friday to talk about it.

Lester: That’s pretty funny.

Testo: That is funny.

(Beat)

Testo: Look Lester, we’re gonna look like a real coupla assholes if we go in there with two separate pitches from the same company. It’s gonna look like we don’t know what the hell we’re doing.

Lester: So?

Testo: So, instead of fighting over the pitch and lookin’ like a coupla schmucks, let’s go in there together. You know, “strategize a united front” and all that bullshit.

Lester: No, I don’t think so.

Testo: What?

Lester: You heard me.

Testo: You’re saying you wanna go in there alone? Without me and Brady?

Lester: I’m saying I think you better back off.

Testo: What?

Lester: Back the fuck off.

Testo: Whoa whoa whoa. Lemme get this straight. You’re gonna throw away a Fortune Four company, just so you can pitch this deal alone. Do you realize we could stand to lose a fifty million dollar portfolio?

Lester: Who says I’m gonna lose anything?

Testo: Give me a fucking break Lester! You go in there with your slick homo suit, your bullshit smarmy pitch, and your pathetic excuse of a team, and you know what the fuck that guy’s gonna see?

Lester: Hey, fuck you Testo! Fuck you and your Brooks Brothers bullshit! You think anyone gives a shit that you got some stupid MBA from the University of Bumblefuck? You think a degree from some bullshit unaccredited school’s gonna really get you anywhere?

Testo: That’s right Lester! That’s fucking right! I got a fucking MBA, and I got a fucking degree, and you know what else? I got a fucking personality! That’s why I made the top ten back when I was twenty-fucking-six years old! That’s why I been in the Winners Circle eight years running, and that’s why I’m Senior VP! But you…You! You haven’t even cracked Senior Associate! What’s it been? Ten fucking years Lester? And you still can’t even make your fucking draw? What the hell’s wrong with you? What makes you think JB’s even gonna wanna look at you?—

Lester (voice wavering): Hey fuck you! John Bush is my client! It’s been on the goddamn SPOC list since ’97!

(Pause)

Testo: Look. I’m sorry. I was way outta line. But this is a big deal. It’s huge. You know, just because you “reach out and touch” someone a hundred times a day doesn’t mean they’re gonna give you the deal. This is a fifty million square foot portfolio, man! There’s no way either one of us could take on this thing alone.

(Pause)

Testo (conspiratorially): C’mon Lester. No hard feelings, huh? C’mon, we’re friends. You know what just one deal is gonna do for us? You know what we could stand to make? You wanna move to the Bluffs this year, right? Listen. USB’s lookin at 250K in the CBD. They been bilkin’ me and Brady for info on the AMEX building since February. Think of it. Class A, CBD, thirty-three triple net ten year term with no cancellation option. Even at 4 and 2 with 6, that’s gonna make our fuckin’ year. That’s gonna put us all in the Winner’s Circle twice over. I mean, fuck! We might even beat Team Six Pack! This could be fuckin’ huge!

(Beat)

Testo: So how ‘bout it, huh? C’mon Lester, whaddaya say?

Lester: Testo?

Testo: Yeah?

Lester: I think we should partner on this deal.

Testo: Yeah?

Lester: I think we can win the business.

Testo (gives Lester a hearty handshake while patting him firmly on the back): Fantastic Lester. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Lester: Yeah.

Testo: So here’s what we do. We bring in Brady to do the pitch—

Lester (listlessly falling back into his chair): Uh huh—

Testo: He’s got that whole boy-next-door, Leave-it-to-Beaver thing goin’—

Lester: Right.

Testo: Then we bring in Fredricksen and Vallone. Fredricksen has that gray hair, and Vallone…well hell…Vallone’d sell his own mother, ya know? Fuckin’ Italians.

Lester: Yeah.

During Testo’s monologue, the lights slowly begin to dim so that the only thing we eventually see is Lester, now sitting in his chair, with a cube-shaped shaft of yellow light falling on him. Testo’s voice also starts fading away, as he exits, stage right. The shaft of light on Lester grows brighter and brighter until Testo finishes his monologue.

Testo: So I figure, we bring in Brady, Fredricksen and Vallone, and maybe Kimberly Grabowski – to make the chicks happy, right? We can use the Waterman hook we used in back ’98, you know, employee retention during crisis times and all that bullshit. Man, I still can’t believe we lost that deal to C&D. What the hell were they thinking. You know, maybe we should get Janotta in on this. Just to make it look legit…

The cube of yellow light grows blindingly bright and then suddenly goes dark.

(Beat)

Testo (off stage, at full volume, triumphant): It’ll be fucking brilliant!

The yellow cube of light explodes once more on Lester. He sits bolt upright, facing the audience, clutching the arms of his chair. His face is twisted into a silent, agonized scream, as though he were being electrocuted.

Blackout