I Am So Fat

I understand we have an obesity epidemic in this country. I understand overeating probably stems from abuse, stress, frustration and boredom. I understand there is an unrealistic media-generated image of what the perfect form should be, and that if you have babies you are never going to be the Supermodel you were pre-pregnancy.

And yet, I also understand folks are eating forty-ounce bags of Frito Scoops drenched in Funfetti Frosting. That cold weather provides the perfect excuse to lie in one's bed watching The Sanford and Son Marathon, slipping in and out of consciousness just long enough to ingest three pounds of jalapeno poppers washed down with sixty-four ounces of diet coke.

Everywhere you look, people are eating, and not just in restaurants and at dinner tables. We're talking in dressing rooms, on public transportation, while driving, while waiting in line at the Jewel, while sitting at a receptionist's desk, while yapping into their intolerable cellphones, and even while going to the bathroom. Walk onto any subway train or city bus, and you are immediately assailed by the unappetizing scent of KFC mingled with BO. Sit down to untangle a compex financial analysis, and it is inevitable your cubemate will sit down to a seven course "Grand Slam" breakfast. Yet these same folks wonder how they gained 30 pounds in three days, since they never eat and they're never hungry.

I am convinced that every single person that wanted to lose weight could do so by doing one thing and one thing only: Eating at a table. Forget Atkins, forget Weight Watchers, forget South Beach, forget anorexia. Eat whatever you like, whenever you like, but only eat sitting down, at an actual table, where food is usually served. It can be 7:00pm at a four star restaurant, 5:30pm at your dining table, 3:00am at a 24-hour diner, or 12:00pm in a prison mess hall, it does not matter, just sit at a table and eat whatever you like. Order appetizers, dinner and dessert. Supersize your meal. Drink the regular not the diet.

But you better make it good. Because the minute you get on your feet, or on the street, or in your car, or on the bus, or to your office, or on the couch, or into bed, you are absolutely forbidden from letting any food whatsoever even touch your lips. No gum. No candy. No mints. No double-decaf-skim-light-foam-venti-cap. Nothing. Ever.

Not only will this have the desired effect of shedding those unwanted pounds, it will instantly end the revolting food pollution infecting every single person within smelling distance of your Fritos, your Supersize Fries, and your Funfetti Frosting.