The Cam Whore

Laura Lee, or as some of her fanboyz mistakenly call her, "Lorali," is Korean. Though she doesn't know Inchon from Panchan, Laura is never shy about flaunting her Asian-ness, especially when there is manual labor involved. "Can you her-rup me, prreej-uh?" She will mewl, offering up an unyielding pickle jar in her outstretched, emaciated little monkey-paws.

Naturally, the world is more than happy to oblige. Clad in teeny-weeny Hello-Kitty T's, black-rimmed Emo glasses, and uber-distressed Seven Jeans, Laura is the hip version of the Unicef poster child on crack cocaine. Although Laura would never do crack cocaine. She would never do any drugs. Laura, in fact, has only one addiction. The Internet. Only in the vast world of cyberspace can she find millions of suitors to come to her rescue. After all, someone as frail and delicate as Laura Lee can never have too many heroes.

Laura visits several webforums daily under the exotic handle "PassionatePersimmon." Just in case that is too subtle, she also posts a thong-clad Pokemon as her avatar. Just in case that is too subtle, she constantly posts pictures of her half-naked, anorexic body, perhaps in the hopes of making non-confrontational, non-violent, pan-pacific, pacifist statements about starving children in the war-torn, third-world country that is South Korea. Not that Laura's ever been to South Korea. However, she did watch an episode of M*A*S*H which haunts her to this day. Thus, inspired by Nick at Night and its dead-on depictions of Buddhist self-immolation, Laura makes daily vigils to politically conscientious sites like www.SakiMyMaki.com, www.SkinnyWhiteGuysLookingForAsianHotties.com, www.StarTrekkiansForJesus.com, and www.MIT.edu. Once there, she tirelessly scans for opportunities to make her statement, sometimes surfing for hours before she finds threads such as:

"Which part of your body do you hate the most?"

PassionatePersimmon: I just HATE my twelve-year-old-little-boy-bewbies, see?

[POST HALF NAKED PIC OF PASSIONATE PERSIMMONS POINTING AT HER BEWBIES HERE]

DDRKing: OMG HAWT!!!

DDRLovR: OMG HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

LordOfTheDDR: FAP FAP FAP!!!

Or this:

THREAD: Any Secret Santa Ideas?

PassionatePersimmon: A T-shirt please! Just make sure it is EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA SMALL, due to my itty-bitty twelve-year-old-little-boy-bewbies, see?

[REPOST HALF NAKED PIC OF PASSIONATE PERSIMMONS POINTING AT HER BEWBIES HERE]

FriendsOfFrodo: OMG HAWT!!!

WouldGoGayForLegolas: OMG HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

VigoAGoGo: FAP FAP FAP!!!

Or this:

THREAD: "How is everyone feeling today?"

PassionatePersimmon: LIKE THIS! WHEEEEEEEEE!

[POST HALF NAKED PIC OF PASSIONATE PERSIMMON JUMPING ON BED HERE]

CaptnJTKirk: OMG HAWT!!!

GuGu4Uhuru: OMG HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

1stLieutenantSulu: FAP FAP FAP!!!

As in any public forum, sometimes Communist-loving Nazis will spark fierce political debate with offensive racist rhetoric such as:

REASONABLEPERSON: Does anyone else think PassionatePersimmon is a total attention whore?

Or:

PerceptivePollster: Who jacks off hardest to Persimmon's posts?

(A) Men

(B) Women

(C) Persimmon

These questions immediately evoke cerebral rejoinders such as:

PussyWhipped4Persimmon: FUCK YOU!

2Fat2Date: ASSHOLE!

40&LivingWithMommy: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

PassionatePersimmon:

[POST HALF NAKED PIC OF PASSIONATE PERSIMMON FLIPPING US OFF HERE]

PussyWhipped4Persimmon: OMG HAWT!!!

2Fat2Date: OMG HAWT HAWT HAWT!!!

40&LivingWithMommy: FAP FAP FAP!!!