Sing to the Tune of The Raven

For my Kat, Da Chubba

Once upon a weekend dreary, while I slept through soaps on TV,
Over Cheetoes and Doritos and half-eaten apple cores—
While I lay there, gently snoring, suddenly there came a purring,
Like a turbine loudly revving, revving up and down Lake Shore.
“Tis a big mack truck,” I muttered, “revving up and down Lake Shore—
Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember from October through December,
Never leaving home except to get some Twinkies from the store.
Comatose I watched award shows, home and garden and all-talk shows
Vainly hoping to forget the girl I dated on my floor—
That gross disgusting neighbor who resided just next door—
Permabanned for evermore.

But the never-ending thumping of my horny neighbor humping
Another man kept me jumping up and down from two to four;
So that now, to still my anger, and to keep myself from murder;
I wrote a nasty letter and ran to tape it to her door—
“Keep it down in there you hooker or I’ll bust you and your manwhore!”
This it said and nothing more.

Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
Ninja-like I taped the evil note onto my neighbor’s door;
Just then the door was opened, and my neighbor grabbed my token,
As I turned and raced as fast as I could to my condo door,
Although she tried to chase me, I ran in and slammed the door.
Darkness then and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, feeling nervously like peeing,
Seeking out the remote so that I could watch TV some more;
But the silence was unbroken, for deep within the cushions,
Unbeknownst to me lay hidden, the remote that I looked for.
So I lay there on my futon, made of plywood fiberboard,
With no TV and fully bored.

As I lay there tossing, turning, all the Cheetos in me churning,
Soon again I heard a purring somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is and this mystery explore--
Let my heart be still a moment while I raise the Levolors;--
'Tis the traffic, nothing more.

Then I heard a distinct sputter, followed by a hiss and flutter,
And suddenly there sat the furry black cat from next door.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she,
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my VCR--
Perched upon a tape of J-Lo just atop my VCR--
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then the ebony cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the lazy, bored decorum of the countenance she wore,
Said I, "Your coat is furry, and outside is a snow flurry,
So stay here and be all cuddly and curl cutely on the floor—
I will name you Chubba Wubba and I’ll squeeze you ‘till your sore!”
Quoth da Chubba, “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly cat to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing a cat atop his VCR—
Cat or bat upon the J-Lo tape atop his VCR,
Say such a thing as "Nevermore."

Gleefully I pinched and grabbed her, squooshed and smooshed and plain harassed her,
“Oh you are so cute!” I gushed with feeling and fervor!
Nothing farther did she utter; not a whisker did she flutter—
Til I asked about the skank and all her suitors from next door—
“Were they stringy, were they stingy? Did they clean and do her chores?”
“No,” the cat said, "She’s a whore."

Cackling I embraced the kitty, laughing cuz she was so witty,
Howling at her meanness and her evilness galore.
Though she yowled and tried to bite me, I just squeezed her extra tightly
Then she hissed at me forthrightly, till I dropped her on the floor—
Silently she glared at me astonished and abhorred.
Then the cat said “This means war.”

Pissed she raced along my hallway, heavy belly swinging sideways,
As her teeny paws attempted to take hold upon my floor;
So I chased her to the bathroom, then the kitchen then the bedroom
Round and round I chased her till she fell in a stupor.
Panting and exhausted she lay sprawled upon the floor,
Pleading, meowing, “Please no more!”

Laughing I ignored her crying, picked her up as she lay sighing,
Pushing and stiff-pawing me with yellow eyes that did implore;
Yet I held on resolutely, refusing absolutely
All da Chubba’s sad entreaties to be let down on the floor;
Onto the hardwood floors where she was so comfortable before,
To which I replied, “Nevermore!”

Then, it seemed the air grew rancid, smelling like sulfuric acid
Just like rotten eggs that sat forgotten in a grocery store.
"Gross," I cried, "You have just sprayed me! Even though I know she spayed thee!”
Respite—respite I needed from the sour air indoors!
“Get away from me!” I screamed, “So I can breathe the air outdoors!”
Quoth da Chubba, "Nevermore."

"Putrid!" said I, "stinking evil!—wicked reek that’s so medieval!—
Then I dropped her and she rolled like a boll weevil on the floor,
Gagging I ran to the bathroom, hoping I would make it there soon—
Heaving up the burning Cheetoes and Doritoes from before—
Is there--is there some Pepto Bismol?—tell me—tell me, I implore!"
Quoth da Chubba, "Nevermore."

"Farting monster! Cat of evil!—farting spraying fat boll weevil!
I’ll kill thy mother and thy father, and that stupid whore next door—
Don’t you know my stomach’s ailing, don’t you know I fear inhaling,
That horrid stench still emanating, from your foul posterior?
Please go home!” I begged the kitty, as I held open the door.
Quoth da Chubba, "Nevermore."

"Be that our sign of parting, cat or fiend! Will you stop farting!”
Then she arched her back and hacked up two huge hairballs on my floor.
“Leave no hairball as a token of the wind that you have broken!
Here take all my subway tokens and get your smelly ass outdoors!
Move thy butt up out my face, and take thy form from off my floor!"
Quoth da Chubba, "Nevermore."

And da Chubba, never flitting, is now shitting, yes she’s shitting
On the bootleg tape of J-Lo just above my VCR;
And her crap has all the reeking of a demon defecating
And the bulb over my toilet bowl glows brighter than before;
And my heaving, clenching belly that convulses on the floor,
Shall be hungry—nevermore!