The Interview

Christy and Mo, two Asian women, sit at a table surrounded by paper. Christy wears a gray suit and drinks out of a huge cup of coffee. Mo has a very large Coach tote bag on the floor beside her.

Mo: You’re good at math.

Christy: I’m horrible at math.

M: Did they ask for a transcript?

C: No.

M: Then you’re good at math. Also you should wear a girdle.

C: I’m not fat.

M: No, but you want to look weak. And hungry. Maybe “mew” a little. When’s the interview?

C: Monday.

M: Stop eating Thursday.

C: Wait, am I smart and independent, or weak and subservient?

M: You have to look smart enough to do all the work, but subservient enough to work in the back room. You also have to be pretty.

C: If I’m in the back room?

M: For the dog and pony shows. They want to show off the Asian.

C: Why?

M: Diversity quotas, financial analyses.

C: I’m horrible at math.

M: You’re great at math. In fact, you should walk in with these. (M pulls out a huge stack of green bar paper from her tote bag and hands it to C).

C: Nobody uses green bar paper.

M: It shows you have experience.

C: On what? A Telex?

M: It looks very Asian, very inscrutable. Like we know something that they don’t know, you know? (In Chinglish, sotto voce) Ancient Chinee Seek-let.

C takes the green bar paper and sets it in front of her.

C (snottily): Should I put my resume on it?

M: Don’t be stupid. What are you going to wear?

C (looks down at the outfit she’s wearing): This.

M: No, you have to wear navy blue.

C: Why?

M: Navy blue sets off red nicely.

C: I’m wearing red?

M looks at C as if to say “duh.”

M: Navy works well because you can also wear red without looking Communist. Here, try these.

M pulls out a pair of red plastic Hello Kitty slippers from her tote, and hands
them to C.

C: I am not wearing Hello Kitty slippers to my interview.

M: Just put them on, they’re not bad on.

C grudgingly takes off her shoes, and puts on the Hello Kitty slippers.

M: See? Now, what about the hair, it seems long.

C: I can wear it in a bun.

M: I think you should get a bob. With bangs. You know, like Cookie Kwan.

C: No way.

M: At least get it cut. It’s too long, too provocative.

C: What if I wear glasses?

Christy pulls out a pair of sleek black eyeglass frames and puts them on.

M: Oh yes, I get it. But if you’re gonna do that Jenny Shimizu fugly geek thing, you have to shave your head.

C: No.

M: You have to!

C: I’m wearing a bun.

M: It’s not sleek enough, you have to cut your hair.

C: I’m not cutting my hair.

Beat.

M (snapping her fingers): I’ve got it.

M pulls a Chinese coolie cap with pigtail out of the tote and puts it on C. C tries to resist, but it is futile.

M: It’s perfect! You get to keep your long hair, but it’s sleek and pulled off your face. Beat. But I don’t know…something’s still not right.

C: Ya think?

M: You’re too nerdy. We want to project smart and subservient, but also sexy. Beat. Take your shirt off.

Beaten, C takes off her jacket and her shirt, revealing a red lace bra underneath. M puts jacket back on a now tractable C, and buttons the bottom two buttons only.

M: Perfect! Hmm, but you’re still too sexy. (Beat) I’ve got it.

M pulls out a set of fake buck teeth from her tote, along with an abacus. She puts the buck teeth in C’s mouth, and the abacus in C’s jacket pocket. She takes the pile of papers and puts it under C’s arm.

M: There! Now you’re ready for your interview. Where’s it at?

C: Banana Republic.

M: You’re gonna get it gurl.

M finishes Cs coffee with gusto, with C standing fully dressed for her interview, as we blackout